I have two weeks left in Armenia! It is absolutely crazy to think that this time next month I'll be in America, (probably wearing a giant American flag t-shirt while enjoying air conditioning and speaking English as much as I want.) Despite joking about how excited I am to return to America, I'm going to miss Armenia and this experience more than I can express. This has been a huge part of my life and as I told a Former Armenia PCV newsletter, "I may be moving, but I'll never entirely leave."
This has been my home and source of dozens of life lessons I've learned over the past two years. So as I wrap up my blog and my service, I wanted to indulge myself and impart those words of "wisdom" before signing off for good the first week in July. You probably already know a lot of them or some of them may be new, and some are more solid than others but this is also an act of reflection and closure for me so just humor me! So I present: 27 Life Lessons I Learned in 27 Months in Armenia.
This has been my home and source of dozens of life lessons I've learned over the past two years. So as I wrap up my blog and my service, I wanted to indulge myself and impart those words of "wisdom" before signing off for good the first week in July. You probably already know a lot of them or some of them may be new, and some are more solid than others but this is also an act of reflection and closure for me so just humor me! So I present: 27 Life Lessons I Learned in 27 Months in Armenia.
27. We Don't Always Know Best
I remember clearly the day I interviewed for this job in a stuffy office building Downtown Dallas. I was given a sheet of paper with the regions Peace Corps works in and I was asked to rank them from 1-9. (1 being the place I wanted to go the most, and 9 being the place I REALLY don't want to go.) Sub-Saharan Africa was #1 and Eastern Europe was #9. So naturally I was sent to Eastern Europe! And it turned out so wonderful! My second day vacationing in Ethiopia I went back to the airport and tried (unsuccessfully) to get a ticket back to Armenia. So thank you Peace Corps for knowing me better than I knew myself and sending me to a place that was such a good fit for me for 2 years of service!
Another big surprise for me after getting over the fact that I wasn't going to be getting water out of rivers and sleeping under mosquito nets was my actual job: Community and Youth Development Volunteer. I was not into kids, had no experience working with youth and was horribly uncomfortable around groups of children. During our training we did an exercise where we were supposed to go towards the door if we were excited about working with kids, in the middle if we were unsure, and stand near the window on the other side of the room if we did not want to work with children at all. The division was clear. Everyone was at the door except myself and my friend, Rory, who were clinging on to the window like it was a life raft. While there, we made jokes about jumping out the window because we weren't far enough away from the door!
Clearly I had no idea what I was talking about!
Clearly I had no idea what I was talking about!
If I had stuck to what I thought was best for me, I would have missed out on some amazing moments, beautiful people and some serious personal growth. I didn't know what was best for me or really what I wanted and thank goodness because I was so wrong!!
26. The Need to Suffer is Bullshit!
I am a Peace Corps Volunteer. I also have a Pizza Hut nearby that delivers. I don't have a flushing toilet or working shower but I am only a few hours away from a stunningly modern art museum. I live on a dirt road that floods every time it rains but I have high speed internet access that allows me to skype my family every week. And I feel guilty. I'm not suffering enough! It's too easy.
But that's bullshit! The amount I suffer is NOT proportional to the amount I'm helping. It makes no sense, but for a long time I believed it was. It didn't help that someone close to me said "It's a shame they couldn't have sent you somewhere where you are really needed" when I told them I was going to Armenia. My work here is important. It's not the poorest country and I don't have the worst conditions but what I'm doing is still important and needed. "Posh Corps" isn't real. We all suffer or struggle in our own ways, physical or mental, and that is separate from the work we do. So stop combining the two!
25. Americans ARE Privileged
I will never ever admit this to an Armenian. I have spent 2 years telling them how we are just like them, not rich, not special, just from a different place. I rage hard when I don't have any money and an Armenian says, "Well you're American. You always have money." (Or think they can steal from me without consequences because "there's always more where that came from.")
I wish! Putting aside the money thing and the fact that Armenians don't believe there is poverty in America I constantly tell them that we are not privileged.
I wish! Putting aside the money thing and the fact that Armenians don't believe there is poverty in America I constantly tell them that we are not privileged.
But I don't really believe this. We are so unbelievably privileged. We come from a place where education is valued. Where you can be born into poverty and die the richest person in America with a little bit of hard work. In America there is internet access literally everywhere, giving us the opportunity to learn everything we could ever want. We have social services and a welfare program so the poor are never on their own. Corruption is not tolerated and a US passport allows us to travel almost anywhere in the world. The disabled are able to travel freely and are not hidden away until they die. We speak English for gods sake! That alone gives us a huge advantage in everything! In America, you are free to be yourself and you are valued no matter who you are, where you come from or what you do. We marry for love, not because we have to, it was arranged or our "life will mean nothing" if we don't. Americans are insanely privileged and don't let anyone tell you any differently.
24. Control is an Illusion
We've been trained to think that if things don't go exactly as planned, bad things happen but that's almost never true. My efforts to schedule or plan anything at all have been trampled on so many times and the only thing that's happened is I stress myself out! Once I learned more flexibility, adaptability and stopped being so rigid I became so much happier and everything in my life improved. By pretending we can control anything, we're only fooling ourselves and by having a plan B, C and D (that are all subject to change) you can be prepared for anything. Just plan what you can and go with the flow with everything else.
23. Beauty can be Found in the Ugliest of Places
When talking to non-Peace Corps volunteers I describe it like this: "It is awful 95% of the time. But the 5% of the time it isn't awful, it is so amazingly wonderful it makes everything worth it." And I don't think that's just about Peace Corps. It's so easy to get focused on what's wrong, what we're missing or what we didn't do exactly right we overlook everything we have or did right. I clearly remember on Border to Border one day, seeing a huge pile of trash and being so angry how someone could just dump like that. I was fuming, until I looked up (see photo). I do this on projects and in my personal life; I get so tunnel visioned I don't see everything around me that is so incredible! I won't rant about how we need to be happier because all know that. I'm just going to try to remember to look up more often.
22. Apricots make you Poop!
This is one I had to learn the hard way. I sure wish someone had warned me about this one during our Pre-Service Training during our first summer in Armenia. In summer, the apricots are ripe, delicious and astoundingly plentiful. While a late frost left almost zero apricots viable in 2014, in 2013 apricots were everywhere.
One afternoon in our training village, a fellow trainee and I shared a bucket (approximately 50 apricots) over lunch. I spent the rest of the day happy, filled and nourished. However that all changed when I abruptly woke up around 4am, and made a mad dash to the bathroom to experience this brutal life lesson. Around 4:15, I got a text from my friend, who I shared the bucket with, saying "This is what death is like!!!" So learn from me. Apricots make you poop. (Also, maybe don't eat buckets at a time)
21. Misadventures Lead to the Best Stories
This one kind of goes with "Control is an Illusion." Almost all of my stories here come from mistakes or moments that were really horrible when they were happening. My mom calls them "growing pains" but I've adopted the term "misadventures." I'll give Ethiopia as an example. I had it in my head I wanted to go to Africa so when we were allowed to use our vacation days, I took off to Ethiopia. While the food and scenery were delicious the people were horrendous. I had never been treated so poorly, victimized so many times, or felt so afraid for my well being. But I made it through and kept my head high. I grew, learned some good survival strategies and feel a lot stronger because of the experience. I'd go again if I could because those lessons were important and I learned way more having things go horribly wrong than if everything had been smooth sailing the entire time.
Good times rarely teach us about ourselves. It's when things are difficult and trying that we learn how strong we are and what we can overcome.
20. Diversity is Astoundingly Beautiful
"Diversity may be the hardest thing for a society to live with, and perhaps the most dangerous thing for a society to be without." - William Sloane Coffin, Jr.
I have come to appreciate many things about America but the biggest thing is our diversity. I am unbelievably proud of American diversity. In our A21 group alone we have 3 different races, span from 23-74, represent 6 different religions, represent all sexual orientations and relationship statuses, and all have different styles, accents and interests. And we were just a handful of people! Nowhere else in the world will you find this melting pot. It's amazing! In Armenia where 98% of people are ethnically and religiously the same, you really begin to appreciate differences. When I lived in America I never gave diversity a second thought but here it is undeniably the thing I appreciate the most about American culture and our lifestyle.
19. Weird is Wonderful!
"Well behaved women | Part of the reason I feel so close to Louiza is because I recognized pretty quickly how weird that girl is. I mean, when I arrived the only English she knew was "Honda, power of dreams!" In my experience, this culture isn't big on promoting individuality so I wanted to be a safe person for her to really be herself with. It really worked and I have had more fun with that kid than I thought was possible. My time with her and our adventures wouldn't have been nearly as wonderful or memorable if she had been a kid who sat still, did as she was told and thought through what she said before she said it. I learned a lot about children living with Bella, Louiza and Davit but I think my biggest lesson was that weird is wonderful! She's going to do great things as long as she keeps being herself, doesn't conform to anything that isn't true to herself and keeps being weird! We could all stand to be a little more weird and conform less to pressure. |
18. Sometimes it Takes More Courage to Quit than it Does to Stay
"ET" is a dirty word amongst volunteers. No it doesn't stand for the cute alien, but instead it is short for "early terminate." Nobody goes into Peace Corps expecting to leave early for any reason but ETs happen for many reasons. I remember clearly one A20 PCV I really liked leaving early. I was so confused, everything seemed like it was going well and she was a great volunteer. 9 months short, why would she quit?
Because she was being true to herself. This wasn't the experience she hoped it would be and she felt that she would do more good for her community to leave and free up a volunteer space, than stay and wait the clock out for the sake of her pride. Some people may frown on that but I think it is brave. Thinking of quitting (anything, not just Peace Corps) can bring lots of shame and peer pressure, but if it's not a good fit and is not mutually beneficial, then it's important to find something that is! It does take a lot of courage to get over that pressure and be true to yourself rather than run out the clock.
Because she was being true to herself. This wasn't the experience she hoped it would be and she felt that she would do more good for her community to leave and free up a volunteer space, than stay and wait the clock out for the sake of her pride. Some people may frown on that but I think it is brave. Thinking of quitting (anything, not just Peace Corps) can bring lots of shame and peer pressure, but if it's not a good fit and is not mutually beneficial, then it's important to find something that is! It does take a lot of courage to get over that pressure and be true to yourself rather than run out the clock.
17. Failure Can Be A REALLY Good Thing
I've said this a few times and I'll say it a few times more. Failure is awesome! Sure it feels horrible, but we all learn far more from failure than you do from everything going smoothly. You can learn better planning, monitoring or project planning skills, better people skills or organizing skills. You learn what NOT to say or you learn what NOT to do. You learn so much from failure; I know I have! For Earth Day 2014, I planned this amazing project. It was a community clean up and environmental education lesson that would include high school aged kids and get them interested in taking care of their community. Do you know why I have zero photos from it? Because it failed! It didn't just fail a little bit, but it was hard core failure.
BUT, I took what I learned from how bad it was and made our window fundraising better! What would have happened with our windows if the Earth Day project had gone as planned? Of course we'll never know, but through each failure, we learn!
BUT, I took what I learned from how bad it was and made our window fundraising better! What would have happened with our windows if the Earth Day project had gone as planned? Of course we'll never know, but through each failure, we learn!
16. I Know Practically Nothing
"I'm bored is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you have seen 'none' percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever... The fact that you're alive is amazing so you never get to say, "I'm bored." | I thought I knew about myself, the world and development. I read lots of books so I thought I knew Armenia. In reality, I know next to nothing. Each day I was/am surprised with something I didn't know. I read and challenged what I already knew. Every day taught me something about something. Soon enough I learned that the amount of knowledge I have (still) is shockingly small! There is still so much to see and to learn to waste one second of our time on earth not learning seems like such a huge waste. I have always loved learning but my experience here has shown me that no matter how much I learn, there is always more. |
15. Adventures Cannot Be Forever
This one surprised me. Naively, I went into this experience thinking "I'm going to have a 2 year adventure!" No... You're going to have major culture shock for a few months and then settle into a routine. Routines are normal, good and find you no matter where you are. Adventures don't last forever in a situation like this but that's totally ok! Routines don't trap you or make you stifled. It's what you do with them that does. Most days, I woke up, ate breakfast, went to work, came home, spent time with my family and went to sleep. The only thing that was different was where I did it. |
14. Friendship Can Come From Unlikely Sources
I think if you put a group of 31 people with different backgrounds, beliefs and personalities together, the chances that friendships will bloom in abundance are slim. Drop one foreigner in a strange land and set her lose to find friends, I think that's also pretty slim! But somehow it was done. It wasn't always easy, but I have met the most amazing people here, and people who I hope to have as friends for life. The girls at the YWCA have been my rock and a saving grace to me and my PCV friends have been a constant source of support and encouragement. Never being someone who made or kept friends easily, this experience has changed how I view friendship in general! You don't need to be perfectly compatible or even speak the same language. You just need an open mind, a good sense of humor and time to spend with each other.
13. "Listen with your Heart and you will Understand."
The fact that I'm listening to the Pocahontas soundtrack is irrelevant right now... Language is hard. A language with an alphabet composed of "u"s is REALLY hard. So for the first few months you get by on a mixture of charades and made up grammar with random words thrown in. Yet somehow, you understand each other. You make friends.
Even when traveling, I often didn't understand the languages. I don't know Georgian, Spanish (well), French, Arabic, Amharic or Russian. But I got around just fine! Everyone on the planet wants the same thing. They want to be nice and they want people to be nice to them. Even if we didn't have the same language, we always have something in common. We just have to find it. I remember the kid in Morocco wearing the Lakers jersey who rescued Scott and I from the bad neighborhood in Fez, or the kind waitress at my favorite restaurant in Tbilisi. Language is a barrier we create for ourselves, but if we try hard enough, and are good enough at charades, we can always connect with people in other ways. |
12. Community is Important
Tall fences do not make good neighbors. Good neighbors make good neighbors! Yet in the last 4-5 places I've lived I couldn't have told you one thing about the people living next to me. Why is that? That changed here and I can hardly imagine going back to living in my home in isolation from those around me. There is something really neat about being apart of that neighborhood community, even if it's just sharing a street. With a community you have built in friends, people that have your back if needed and a constant source of entertainment, education and skills you can work together on. By sharing communal space, you are already sharing part of your lives so why do we isolate ourselves so often in our houses?
This is not just with neighbors. Being apart of the Peace Corps community both inside Armenia and knowing there are over 200,000 people that have had similar experiences as me has been fantastic for networking and connecting with people. Hopefully this will help someday in the job hunt, but right now within country it has been a life saver. Sometimes you just need to tell someone, "Can you believe this just happened?" and have them understand because they're going through the same thing. The volunteers have been a constant source of varying expertise, friendship and support. We are going through the same struggles and in times like this it's so nice to know you're never alone. I'll definitely look out for different sources of community when I return to America. Geographic, professional, whatever; community is important.
This is not just with neighbors. Being apart of the Peace Corps community both inside Armenia and knowing there are over 200,000 people that have had similar experiences as me has been fantastic for networking and connecting with people. Hopefully this will help someday in the job hunt, but right now within country it has been a life saver. Sometimes you just need to tell someone, "Can you believe this just happened?" and have them understand because they're going through the same thing. The volunteers have been a constant source of varying expertise, friendship and support. We are going through the same struggles and in times like this it's so nice to know you're never alone. I'll definitely look out for different sources of community when I return to America. Geographic, professional, whatever; community is important.
11. Treat Yo'Self
Quiz: You just get off a crowded marshutni that was 5 hours long over bumpy roads? What are you going to do? A) Get straight to work because you have to and that's what life is about OR B) Treat Yo'Self. (Not 'treat your self' because it must be said with sass). Question 2: You just had a horrible work meeting, are you A) going to hurry home to your obligations at home or B) Treat Yo'Self! Life isn't about work, eating perfectly or keeping the perfect budget. Sometimes we all deserve a small indulgence! Here I feel that I've learned the art of self care here! If we don't take care of ourselves and don't make ourselves happy, we can't many anyone else happy. So have that glace! Take the long way home from work to enjoy the walk! Splurge on that beautiful shirt because you work hard for your salary! TREAT YO'SELF!!! in moderation |
10. People Will Forget What You Said, People Will Forget What You Did, but People Will Never Forget How You Made Them Feel.
Maya Angelou is 100% correct. When I look back on this experience, the projects I have done and professional accomplishments will be nothing more than a footnote. I will remember how nice the hugs from the neighborhood kids made me feel after a long day or how Bella and I would have side jokes in English only we would understand. I will remember getting pulled into a random apartment so a woman can give me a manicure or having kids run after me on the street shouting "Hello!!" Noyemberyan and it's residents always made me feel wanted, loved and appreciated in every way. I hope I returned that favor and will spend the rest of my life remembering those feelings and passing them on however I can.
9. A Good Family is the Best Asset
Being welcomed into the Yedigaryan/Asatryan family has been the single most important factor in having a successful service in Armenia. Not only the emotional support and friendship they provided but they all banded together to teach me about the language, the culture and provided me with invaluable contacts in the community. I had less harassment because someone would start with me and I'd name drop and they'd immediately stop. "That's right! I have back up, loser!!" It was invaluable and I will forever be thankful to each one of them. I really did feel apart of their family. |
I'll never forget having a really weird experience with a woman in town. Nothing bad, just strange. I came home and must have had a weird look on my face because Christine immediately asked me what happened. She was almost 9 months pregnant at this point and lying on the couch with her swollen feet up. In the hot July feet, we were all miserable but she was especially unhappy.
I described the weird interaction I had with the woman. She immediately started yelling, "Oh no! She can't do that to you! Just because you're an American she thinks she can take advantage of you like that! Who is this woman! I'm going to talk to her!" As she's yelling she's trying, unsuccessfully to get up off the couch, her big belly keeping her firmly planted to the couch. It was both touching and hilarious. I don't know what I would do without them.
I described the weird interaction I had with the woman. She immediately started yelling, "Oh no! She can't do that to you! Just because you're an American she thinks she can take advantage of you like that! Who is this woman! I'm going to talk to her!" As she's yelling she's trying, unsuccessfully to get up off the couch, her big belly keeping her firmly planted to the couch. It was both touching and hilarious. I don't know what I would do without them.
Of course the Yedigaryans and Asatryans weren't the only ones supporting me through all this. Many week nights were spent skyping with my real family back in the States. They gave me a great outlet for my stories, provided me with great advice and kept me up to date with what is going on in America. Even as their lives got busy and hectic, they always made time for me. That's something I'll always appreciate. Then in spring 2015 when my Dad and my Uncle Joe flew to Armenia to visit, that made me feel so loved and appreciated. It was so important to me to share this aspect of my life and I got to see just how alike we all all. |
This goes without mentioning the care packages sent by my sisters, cousins, future in-laws and other family members. I got Christmas cards, nice e-mails and had great conversations, and other opportunities that allowed me to know people far better than when I left! I never felt forgotten about or that I was too far away.
You're never alone when you're got an awesome family (or 4) behind you.
You're never alone when you're got an awesome family (or 4) behind you.
8. Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone Feels Great!
This whole experience was out of my comfort zone, but some moments were more extreme than others. I have to bring up Border to Border here! This is the project where I hiked 1/2 way across the country and hated every second of it. But you know what? It wasn't all that bad.
It was unlike me to sign up, unlike me to go through with it and very unlike me to finish something so extremely physical but after it was over it felt amazing! I did something way out of my comfort zone and I succeeded at it! I got to meet up with the Northern Border to Border team this year and talking to them and seeing them struggle took me back. It's hard but it is so worth it once you get to the tops of those mountains and see what's on the other side. By doing things you never thought you could do, or are unlike you to do, you learn and grow and bond with the people around you. Even if it's horrible, you have a good answer for an interview question about perseverance or taking risks!
I want to test those limits forever. Maybe not walk 1/2 way across another mountainous country (never again!), but through traveling, learning, talking to strangers and branching out into other interests I will never stop pushing the limits of my comfort zone.
I want to test those limits forever. Maybe not walk 1/2 way across another mountainous country (never again!), but through traveling, learning, talking to strangers and branching out into other interests I will never stop pushing the limits of my comfort zone.
7. Some People Will Never Like Me, No Matter How Hard I Try.
No matter what I do or who I am, not everyone will ever like me. No matter of nice of a person I try to me the man on the street corner will always scowl at me as I walk by. No matter how nice I dress, the crazy lady in Yerevan who stands on Mashtots Street will always try to spit on me. No matter how good my Armenian is, Shirak's wife will never acknowledge I exist. No matter how little I eat, Tatev will always go out of her way to tell me I look fat. No matter how many times I wave, the fat little boy who lives on Kamo Street will never wave back. No matter how kindly I approach them, the firemen will always walk away from me. No matter how little I see him, that one PCV will always make snide comments about me. No matter what I do, the old soviet woman at the downtown store will always serve me last while exacerbating each effort as if she's doing me a major favor. Maybe it's because I'm an American, or because I speak with an accent or because I'm tall, have pale skin or whatever! I don't care!! No matter what I change inside or out, I will never please everyone.
It's fine that they don't like me. Their actions say more about them than they do about me. I will not let their decisions and words impact me because no matter how hard I try, some people will just never like me and that's totally ok!
It's fine that they don't like me. Their actions say more about them than they do about me. I will not let their decisions and words impact me because no matter how hard I try, some people will just never like me and that's totally ok!
6. And I Don't Have to Like Everything!
I hate public transportation. I hate Russian pop music. I hate it when people put food on my plate without me asking for it. I hate salty Armenian cheese, matsoon, pig heart and chicken brains! And that's ok! I'm not going to pretend I like something because that would be compromising part of me (and two years is a long time to pretend to like pig hearts). I've gotten much better reactions when I was honest about something I didn't like or didn't think was right. It sparks conversations about our differences and promotes honesty in other aspects of our relationships. So quit the "Everything is fine" and speak up!
5. Ask for Help if you Need It!
Everyone thinks they have no ego. I never thought I did until I was confronted with select challenges that forced me to set my ego aside. Being schooled in English grammar by a foreigner, pooping my pants on a hike during a nasty stomach bug, finding a spider infestation under my bed, or being treated like an expert in a topic I know nothing about really brought me down to earth with whatever cloud I was on! To admit that I needed help (or a new pair of pants) was really hard! After all, independence and perseverance is really stressed here. |
My face would get flushed red and I'd go through the scenario dozens of times in my head to make sure everything went smoothly and carefully select the person to ask for help. When I finally would work up the courage to ask for help I'd usually be met with a laugh and they'd say something like, "Oh I've had that problem hundreds of times!" It was NEVER as bad as I thought it would be.
Reaching out for help builds bonds, memories and over the years has gotten so much easier I don't know why it was ever an issue in the first place!
Reaching out for help builds bonds, memories and over the years has gotten so much easier I don't know why it was ever an issue in the first place!
4. Help Comes in Many Forms
I think that when we think of "helping" other countries our minds go immediately to money. They need money. They need their economy stimulated. They need micro loans, etc. But a lesson that really crept up on me here is that there are so many different ways to "help." Becoming friends with someone from a different land strengthens those bonds and helps relations. Teaching someone anything at all helps, and letting them teach you things helps them. You can help by bringing hope, a new way to accomplish a task or dispelling stereotypes. Washing dishes for a stressed mom helps or taking someone for a walk when they've had a hard day helps. Money doesn't solve core issues. But having hope, self esteem, listening, sharing, teaching and achieving together are permanent solutions. Sure it takes more time and manpower than handing out grants, but the impact is so much bigger and longer lasting.
3. True Love Knows No Distance
Even though we lived on opposite sides of the planet, I think we both Scott and I could say that we have learned a lot about love, our relationship and ourselves through this experience. Having had two prior serious relationships that ended horribly when things went long distance, we thought we were being smart when we ended our 4.5 year romance at the airport before I left for staging in Washington DC. But love finds a way. Just because it was scary and would undeniably be difficult that didn't mean we couldn't survive and thrive under these conditions! Even when we weren't "together" we talked almost every day and decided a few months later that we were being stupid. We both wanted to spend our lives together so why were we saying long distance was "too hard?" In February 2014 he flew to Armenia and we were engaged the next day. Since then we've grown closer than ever. True love knows no distance. |
I respect and love Scott so much more for supporting me and letting me have this crazy adventure even though it brought hardship and intense sacrifice to him. Our relationship is so much stronger because we were forced to communicate on different levels than if we were together all the time. We grew as individuals and yet kept each other close. I didn't think it was possible for a relationship to thrive 7,000 miles apart, but when you're with the right person, anything is possible!
2. We Affect More People Than We Know
When you live abroad and you get a phone call in the middle of the night, you know the person on the other end isn't calling with good news. I've had to answer the phone in the middle of the night a few times to varying degrees of trauma or sadness but in April 2014 I answered to find Scott on the other end. "Daniel Stewart died" he said. Daniel Stewart was my favorite professor at UNT, the kind that sticks in your memory long after you graduate and that you admire and respect for being so dang smart and yet being authentically unique. As the days went on, I got updates, none of which were good.
He had killed himself.
This crippled me. I hadn't seem him in years but he was so kind, funny and had just gotten his PhD. All my "I had this awesome professor..." stories originated with him. We had not remained in contact (Scott had), but he had impacted my life and my education in a really big way. I cannot imagine my college experience without him. But he never knew that and I never told him. I have no doubt there were countless students he interacted with over the years that cared about him just as much as I did, that he never realized.
He had killed himself.
This crippled me. I hadn't seem him in years but he was so kind, funny and had just gotten his PhD. All my "I had this awesome professor..." stories originated with him. We had not remained in contact (Scott had), but he had impacted my life and my education in a really big way. I cannot imagine my college experience without him. But he never knew that and I never told him. I have no doubt there were countless students he interacted with over the years that cared about him just as much as I did, that he never realized.
Almost 1 year later to the day, I was sitting in my room having a really blue day. I didn't feel that I had used my time in Armenia well and hadn't taken advantage of enough opportunities. I spent too much time with my host family and not enough in the community. In general, I felt like a horrible volunteer and was allowing myself to wallow in it. Then a knock came on my window. I wiped my tears away and walked to open my window where I found a neighbor girl, Nona. She handed me a bouquet of windflowers and said, "I love you. You are my good friend," and then ran away leaving me in the window. I hadn't done anything more than wave at this little girl and occasionally ask her how her day was and yet I was worthy of her love and flowers. She left me speechless. |
Through these two experiences, I realized something really important (and something some people never realize). We never know what our impact will be or who we touch with just being around. We may think we have no friends at times, are unappreciated, are alone or that no one notices us but that is never true. We just have to find the people that do and not give up until we find them.
1. I am Capable
This was by far the most important lesson that I learned in Armenia. Never again will I say, "I can't do that." "It's too difficult." "I'm not good enough." "I'm not smart enough" or anything similar. On Border to Border, I would look straight up and see the nearly vertical road I had to hike up with my 40lb pack and bleeding feet and would say, "I can't do that!" But I did it. During language classes I'd step out for a break and cry near the sheep and tell them, "Everyone in the class is so much smarter than me. I can't learn this language in such a short amount of time." But I did it. During those winter months, bundled in my room shivering under wool blankets, watching my computer frost over, I'd think, "I can't finish this! 27 months is too long!" But I did it! I am proud of those challenges I overcame and if I walk away from this experience with anything at all, it is that "I CAN do it!" no matter what "it" is (and you can too!).